Should he go sit with her or give her the space she wanted? God! He didn’t know what to do. His instincts screamed at him to stay near her, protect her, but would she let him? Willow still wasn’t letting anyone touch her, not when she was on the phone to the military or when they left the hospital and returned to the hotel.

Angel wanted to howl in frustration.

God, talk about ironic. Here he was thinking that by calling her here, he was taking her out of a bad situation, instead he brought her back to her version of hell. That night she woke screaming, a few months ago, was still with him. He remembered it clearly; it was the night he silently vowed to help Willow escape the military.

Now he was getting a stark reminder of why Willow had run there in the first place.

The terror that radiated from her at the hospital… Jesus! It tainted the very air around her.

What the hell had he done?

He wasn’t just talking about now; he was talking about every single fucking minute since Graduation. Graduation… god, to this day, Angel still couldn’t decide when he screwed up exactly. Before or after.

Before Graduation, he had let his feelings for Buffy override everything. She had been his meaning for living and not simply existing. Loving her was so wonderful, and at the same time, so painful. If only he hadn’t broken up with her, then maybe that wouldn’t have distracted her. Or maybe he should never have gotten involved with her in the first place.

After Graduation, he let his grief outweigh everything.

Would Willow be in the Air Force right now if he had done things differently? If he had only put aside his own grief to help Willow cope… she wouldn’t have felt so alone; she wouldn’t have been so scared. He should have stayed with her every waking moment.

But what did he do?

Angel, the Champion for the Powers That Be, was so fucking caught up in his own grief, that he couldn’t see anything else. He had seen Buffy’s limp, and torn, body lying on the ground, not far from Xander.

The sight haunted him for years.

So much so, that when Willow said she was fine, he believed her. They were all grieving, he didn’t think… It was only at the news of her parents death that he began to see what Faith had been warning them about. Willow was practically hysterical by that time.

Then, she was gone.

Angel let his gaze travel to Willow, who was sitting on one of the lounges in the lobby.

She was still gone.

Seven fucking years and he was still no closer to Willow. She was an enigma now. Angel had to confess, he really knew very little about her, none of them did. He knew the basics, what she liked, what she didn’t like. She liked fast bikes, fast planes…

But he didn’t know anything beyond that.

He didn’t know what she did on the weekend to relax, he didn’t know what book she was reading, what her favorite restaurant was. He didn’t even know about the guy she had called for back at the hospital.

The guy she wanted to help her.

The guy who wasn’t him. No, that wasn’t fair. This wasn’t about him; it was about all of them. Willow had called for someone that wasn’t one of them.

It hurt.

God, even when she was on the phone to the General she whispered his name. Angel heard not only the name, but the tone in which Willow had said it.

Whoever this guy was, he meant a lot to Willow.

THEY were supposed to be people Willow trusted, felt safe with. Christ, two of them had preternatural powers, and the other two could fight better than most humans he knew. Willow was safe with them, god, she had to believe that.

But did she? No.

If this Daniel had been there, would she have let him touch her? Help her? Protect her?

Angel closed his eyes. He was driving himself insane.

He wanted nothing more than to reach out to Willow and pull her into his arms, but he couldn’t. She would bolt the second he got too close. She was sitting on her own, a thoughtful expression on her face and her arms wrapped around herself. Her body language screamed ‘stay away’.

Fucking hell! Didn’t she know they wouldn’t hurt her? Angel would NEVER hurt her.

He’d die protecting her… why couldn’t she see that? Did she see them the same way she saw everything else supernatural; with fear and terror? Willow wasn’t usually this bad. Yes she was almost always scared here but never to this extent.

Never to the point where she didn’t want them to touch her or go near her.

She didn’t even want them to talk to her. On the drive back to the hotel, Willow refused to answer any questions about her phone call to the General.

Damn it! How was he supposed to protect her? Protect her? Angel shook his head in disgust. Since when was asking Willow here to help stop an apocalypse a protective gesture?

"We set your room up," Cordelia told her, sitting on the opposite end of the lounge. "Did you want to go for a shower or go to sleep? Are you tired?"

Looked like he wasn’t the only one worrying about Willow.

The redhead shook her head. "No, I’m fine," she told them. "Actually, I wouldn’t mind a scotch if you guys have any?"

Scotch? Willow drank scotch? He didn’t know that… What a surprise! "I think Rupert has some in his office," Angel stood up and walked into the office he shared with him.

He really wished Rupert was here.

Rupert always had a way of handling Willow, even when she was at the Academy. No, he didn’t ‘handle’ her, he seemed to know what she was thinking, doing, and why. It was Rupert who had warned them of Willow’s strong loyalty to the Air Force.

It was Rupert who predicted that one day Willow’s carefully constructed world would fall apart.

Was this that day?

Was the world Willow built around her slowly unraveling? From the sounds of that phone call, Angel would say yes. General O’Neill knew something about Giles… and he had offered to send someone here.

Were all Generals this interested in their subordinates lives? Angel didn’t think so. Most General’s wouldn’t care. Was this part of the reason why Willow was so subdued? Christ, he would give anything for Willow to answer his questions.

Not just about the General but about everything.

Angel wanted to know everything about Willow. Her friends in Colorado, what she did for the Air Force, what the hell a Jaffa was, and the language she yelled out in her sleep.

Let’s not forget; he wanted to know who this Daniel was.

Angel grabbed the decanter of scotch, and a glass, then headed back into the lobby. Faith had taken a seat on the coffee table while Cordy was still sitting on the lounge, as far from Willow as she could get. Willow, on the other hand, didn’t even seem to notice her friends. She was staring into space.

What was the cause, the military or them?

He poured her a generous glass and handed it to her.

Which she drank in one hit.

Impressive… that wasn’t something a non-drinker could do. The witch held the glass to him, and he refilled it.

She drank that glass faster than the first.

The third one even faster.

"Giles certainly buys the good stuff," Willow commented, placing her glass on the table.

"You certainly know how to drink the good stuff," Cordelia added, worriedly.

Was she worried that Willow could drink that fast? Or because she didn’t seem affected by it? Angel decided he was worried about both.

He was worried about Willow, full stop.

"Willow," Angel began hesitantly, not entirely sure how to broach the subject. "Did you want to talk about what happened back at the hospital?"

Well done, Angel, that was about as subtle as a sledgehammer.

"Which part?" Willow, to his surprise, asked. "Giles, my freaking out or the telephone call?"

All of the above. "How about we start with the call."

"They don’t know anything," she told them. "They bought the story Dr Whitwood gave them, they think it’s a mugging."

Relief flooded him.

They didn’t know anything, they thought it was a mugging. Thank god!

"They weren’t ringing to check up on me," she continued. "I… I kind of freaked out at the base when Cordy called, they were worried. General O’Neill asked Doc to ring the hospital so she could tell me what was wrong with Giles. No other reason."

Willow freaked out at the base? Shit. If her freak out was anything like at the hospital… then it wasn’t a surprise that they rang Kyle. Oh god, would they be suspicious about them now? If Willow had shown the same type of terror at the base, someone might think she was in danger here.

Which wasn’t at all true… yeah right!

"Was that it?" Faith asked. "Didn’t the General offer to send someone here?"

"Yeah, that’s where we have a little problem or a big problem, depending on why I’m here."

No, the problem was Willow pouring herself another drink. The three of them watched as Willow poured herself a more than generous glass, and drank it slower than the first three, but still too fast for his liking.

If she could stand by the end of this, it would be a miracle.

This… this wasn’t how he wanted things to happen. Willow wasn’t supposed to throw up at the sight of Giles, be terrified of them to the point that they couldn’t touch her, she sure as hell wasn’t supposed to be trying to get blind drunk.

"O’Neill is a mother hen," she confessed. "He’s the commander of the base. It was his idea for the Doc to call Dr Whitwood. He offered when I requested leave, but I turned him down. He did it anyway. He’s offered twice for someone to come here to back me up, give me some support. The first time because I was freaked, now it is because he think I’m going to go after the ‘muggers’."

W…what?

"He thinks you’re going to go after who did this to Giles?" Faith exclaimed.

Willow’s eyes went to him. "Aren’t I? Isn’t that why I’m here? Tell me, Angel. Why am I here? Is it so I can look after Giles or is it another reason? If it’s what I think it is, how long do we have? Because if my assessment is correct, O’Neill is going to send someone here… then the shit is really going to hit the fan."

Angel looked away.

"What happened to Giles?"

"It’s a long story."

"Then give me the short version," Willow poured herself another glass but didn’t drink it. "Why did he almost die? Who did this to him?"

Angel couldn’t find any words, the look on Willow’s face was killing him. There was pain and fear in her expression, but along with that was bewilderment and anger.

Fear wasn’t the only scent he could smell around Willow now, anger was becoming dominant.

Maybe the alcohol numbed her fear, he didn’t know. All he could see was that Willow was fast moving past her fear into anger. Angel knew what her anger was focused on. Giles. Who did this to him, why… and it was focused on them as well.

For calling her here…

By doing so, they put themselves at risk.

And Willow’s career… the career Giles said Willow loved more than anything. Shit! Shit! What if Willow wasn’t in danger from the military? Gunn had pointed out the possibility a number of times, Faith had as well.

Faith always said if Willow was in trouble, she would come to them for help.

Angel hadn’t believed that, still didn’t, but what if Faith was right?

"It’s an apocalypse, isn’t it? You wouldn’t call me here for anything else. The risk is too high," she closed her eyes. "The world is going to end, isn’t it?"

"Yes," Angel finally admitted. "The, um, short version… There are a series of rituals that have to be completed before hell on Earth is unleashed. Five have already been completed, Giles was injured trying to stop the fifth one."

Willow cradled the drink in her hand.

"We called you because we need a witch. If we can’t stop the other seven, probably six by now, the final ritual has to be stopped by a witch. That’s why we called you here."

"I’m the witch you called to stop the final ritual?"

Angel nodded.

"You needed a witch and you called me?" she asked incredulously, her body tense, her eyes wide.

Though, not with fear.

There was no fear in her eyes… only disbelief and anger.

Angel nodded once again. In response, Willow downed the scotch like it was water, then threw the glass against the wall, shattering it.

"You’re fucking insane."

"Willow – "

"Save it!" Willow cut him off. She didn’t want to hear what he was going to say. She didn’t want to hear what anyone was going to say.

They were insane.

The lot of them.

How? How could they think… sweet Jesus! How could they think she was the person to do this? Didn’t they know? Didn’t they remember what happened the last time she had been involved in something this big? What she was partly responsible for?

How could they forget… how could they ask her… no. NO! She couldn’t, wouldn’t, do this. They were insane… fucking insane!

"Red, come on," Faith spoke in the same tone you would speak to a spooked animal. "Listen, I know you’re freaked but – "

"You don’t know anything!" she shouted at the brunette Slayer, startling all of them. "You think that just because I have power, I can do this? You think… I can’t… I can’t do this."

Cordelia took a step towards her, her hand outstretched. "Willow, calm down, please. Give us a chance to explain what’s going on."

Explain? They wanted to explain? "What difference will that make? You’re relying on me to save the world? When you called me here, I knew it was big but… god, I thought you needed me to help, watch your back or something… research. I didn’t think I was going to be one of the key players."

"Believe me, Willow, we wouldn’t ask if we weren’t desperate," Angel told her. "We need a powerful witch to stop the final ritual and you are the only one we know who is powerful enough to do it."

Willow laughed bitterly. "Then we’re all fucked because I’m NOT a witch. Jesus, Angel, I was a witch in god damn high school. Seven fucking years ago, and we all know how great I was back then. All I could do were a few spells and levitation. I have power, so fucking what? Doesn’t mean I’m a witch, a witch is someone who actually practices magic."

And she didn’t… not in the way they needed for something like this.

Willow took a deep breath, silently willing herself to calm down but she couldn’t. Fear was fueling the anger. The more scared she got, the angrier she became. What they were asking from her… it was too much. She wished… god, she couldn’t even wish she was strong enough to do this.

Her fear of this world was far too strong, far too deep, for her to let go enough to pull something like this off.

What did they think she could do? They knew she didn’t practice, that she hated her power. They knew how scared she was. Why did they think an apocalypse would change that? It didn’t. It should, but it didn’t. Why? Because SHE WASN’T A WITCH!

"We don’t expect you to use your power without any practice," Angel’s words of assurance did little to ease her fear. "Will, please, just…" he trailed off, unable to find words.

"Just what, Angel?" Willow demanded. "Angel, unless this ritual can stopped by me being really scared, there is no way we’ll win. Remember what happened the last time I helped with a ritual that should have stopped… remember what happened back in Sunnydale, when …"

Willow closed her eyes.

"When what?"

FUCK!

God damn it! She couldn’t say it… she couldn’t even talking about it. It was… god, she could hardly think about it. She didn’t want to remember anything. THAT was why she stayed away for so long. She didn’t want to face this again.

Oh god, she was so scared and it hurt so much.

Her anger gave away to fear and it washed over her like a tsunami, just like it had back in Daniel’s apartment one year ago. Her chest tightened as panic started to overwhelm her. Real panic, the type that could get you killed in a situation like the one they wanted her to be a part of.

Out… she had to get out of here. "I… I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. I’m not a witch, I’m Lieutenant Willow Rosenberg of the United States Air Force. You don’t need me, you need… you…"

Breathing was becoming difficult.

The more her thoughts converged to the memories, she tried so hard to forget, the harder it was to do anything. She was practically frozen where she stood because she was thinking about Sunnydale. No! No! She couldn’t go through that again. She couldn’t be responsible.

"I’m sorry," Willow stumbled back slightly. "I… I have to get out of here."

Cordelia moved so quickly that Willow didn’t have a chance to get far enough before the brunette clamped a firm hand over her arm.

Guess the alcohol was affecting her more than she thought.

"Willow, you’re not going anywhere," the brunette told her. "Look, I know you’re scared, we understand that but this isn’t something you can turn your back on. Do you think it was easy for us to make this decision? We didn’t want to call you here, god, we hate what this is doing to you but you’re going to have to face it. We can’t do this without you."

No. NO! She was NOT going to face it… she couldn’t. "Then we’re all going to die!" she screamed at her. "I know less about magic than I did back then. God damn it, Cordy. I can’t… I can’t… it’s… it’s too much. All I will do is get you all killed and I couldn’t live with myself if I did that."

She almost killed herself with her own magic, how was she supposed to use it to help them?

"You’re NOT going to get us killed."

Oh really? THAT was a laugh. "So what happens when I’m frozen in fear, will the bad guys just hold back attacking us until I get over it? A good rule of combat to remember is that you never lead with someone who will choke! I can barely stand the thought of fighting, how am I going to be when it actually comes down to it?"

"I don’t know but you don’t have a choice!" Cordy screamed back. "God damn it, Willow, you’re not the only one who is scared. I’m scared too but I still fight and I’m not an Air Force Officer. I’m not trained like you are."

It wasn’t the same.

It wasn’t.

Cordy squeezed the muscle on her arm. "You’re trained to fight, to protect this country, yet you won’t protect this world because you’re scared?"

Willow reeled back like she had been slapped. "You’re NOT asking me as an officer. You don’t want my combat skills or my training. You want a witch and I’m not a witch. How many times do I have to say it? If you need a pilot, I’m your girl. I can fly and bomb the fuckers but I can’t use my magic. It’s too dangerous, it’s…" Memories of the Weathermen came flooding back. She would probably kill her friends by accident, but she couldn’t get the words out to explain. She was scared if she did, she would blow her cover. "You don’t understand! I can’t do this. All I am going to do is get you killed. I’m not a witch… I’m… no. Cordy, let go of my arm. I’m leaving. I’m sorry but this isn’t something I can help you with. Just because I have power, doesn’t make me a witch."

To Willow’s surprise, Cordelia released her arm. "Fine, go. Runaway like you always do. In about seven days there is going to be hell on Earth and then what? You’ll have to fight anyway or at least watch the people you care about in Colorado fight."

Oh god…

"Cordelia, that’s enough," Angel told her.

"No, Angel, it’s not enough," Cordelia raged. "I’m sorry, but it’s time Willow saw things for what they really are. We’re all scared Wills, we all lived through what you lived through. You’re not the only one who lost someone at graduation and you’re not the only one who has nightmares and who doesn’t want to remember. I hate this just as much as you do but I’m here, fighting."

Willow wanted to run… she didn’t want to hear this.

"Do you know how long it was before I could sleep on my own after graduation? Angel and Giles took turns sleeping in my bed with me so I wouldn’t wake up screaming every morning. God, just last week I woke up with Angel next to me because he heard me calling out in my sleep. I lived the same nightmare you did Willow, I might not have lost as much as you, but I know what you’re going through and I know that running away won’t help you. It didn’t help you after graduation and it isn’t going to help you now. God, Willow, look at you."

Right now, Willow really didn’t want to.

"It’s been seven years and you haven’t dealt with any of it at all, all you’ve done is hide. You pretend this world doesn’t exist and it’s not right. Running away to the Air Force isn’t right. They’re not helping you. You’re no better now than you were after graduation, in fact, you’re worse and it’s partly our fault for letting you run away, but it’s your fault for not letting us help you. God, Willow, we would have sold our souls to help you. All you had to do was talk to us, let us in. If you had stayed with us, you wouldn’t be willing to let the world go to hell because you’re scared. The Willow Rosenberg I know and love would never do what you’re going to do."

Her anger and fear fell away and was replaced by shame.

Everything Cordelia said was true. Willow knew that she hadn’t dealt with Sunnydale but, more than that, she realised she had hurt her friends profoundly when she turned her back on them.

It was only when Willow was told about the Goa’uld, that she saw her actions for what they really were.

But had she really changed all that much? No. She visited here, but she never really got involved. God, if they knew the truth, about what she really did, they would hate her. Fighting aliens wasn’t all that different from fighting evil, logically speaking, but to her there was still a difference.

Cordelia was right.

But it didn’t change anything.

She wasn’t a witch and she was still scared.

"So, go. Maybe we’ll get lucky and find a witch in time," Cordelia spoke in a casual voice now, there was no anger, just resignation. "If not, we’ll all die but hey, we couldn’t always win could we? I mean, how many times can the same group of people save the world?"

SG-1 were at eleven times now.

How many were these guys?

Fuck.

Willow was having trouble differentiating the two teams.

She couldn’t differentiate anything.

"Did you want us to call a cab?" Cordelia offered it like she was going home after a night at the pub. "I’m sure you can get a flight back to – "

"Stop." She… she couldn’t hear anymore. She couldn’t cope with it anymore… she didn’t know how to. "Please, Cordy, just stop."

"Cordelia, you’ve made your point," Angel intervened once again but this time Cordelia didn’t stop him. Faith stood just behind Angel, looking torn. "Faith, call the airline. It was a mistake bringing Willow here."

The comment caused Willow’s eyes to fill with tears.

Not because Angel meant it vindictively but because he didn’t. There was real regret in his voice, his eyes were full of remorse, pain, and guilt. He felt guilty for bringing her here and for what happened. He wasn’t angry at her, not like Cordy was.

"Faith, don’t make the call."

Two pairs of shocked and one pair of hopeful eyes looked at her.

Willow looked away. "My room is made up isn’t it?"

Angel nodded. "Yes, we – "

"I’m tired, I’m going to go to bed."

Willow knew that wasn’t what they wanted or were expecting to hear. Cordy’s hopeful eyes turned to disappointment. Willow wanted to tell them she would help but she couldn’t.

Everything Cordy said had been true but then so had everything Willow said.

She needed to think.

She needed Daniel.

Willow splashed the cold water over her face then forced herself to look in the mirror.

She didn’t like what she saw.

The person staring back was like a stranger.

Who was she?

A coward or a hero?

Cordy’s words echoed through her mind and she couldn’t turn them off. Willow wished she had never come here, she hadn’t expected this to be so bad. Willow had known, deep down, that one day her past would come back and she’d be helpless to stop it. She didn’t think it would be so soon. She wasn’t ready for it but she was being forced to confront it. God, did they even realise how much it was taking for her to not run, screaming, from the hotel?

Did they even realise they were in the hotel with a total hypocrite?

That’s what she was. Logically she knew that but, when it came to Sunnydale and anything supernatural, logic really played no part. Fact was, she was afraid. Her fears had been with her for so long that Willow didn’t know how else to be when she was here.

While she knew Angel, Faith, Giles, and Cordy would never allow anything to happen to her, she never really, truly, let her guard down.

Yet out there, UP there and in Colorado, it was different. Sure, she was scared sometimes but a lot of the time she wasn’t. She loved the world outside LA, she embraced it… or well, she had been embracing it more over the last year. But the guys here didn’t know that. How could they? Everything she did was classified. Her training, her missions, hell, to a degree even she was classified. Her military records, to people without proper clearance, were inaccessible. The only people who knew the truth about her were the people at the SGC, some of the Joint Chiefs and the President.

Her friends didn’t even realise who she was, or what she was capable of in the world outside this one. No one, except her team, really knew what she could do. Willow had taken risk after risk over the past twelve months than ever in her life, not even when she helped Buffy. Willow took risks because it was who she was and because it was needed.

The better she became at her job, the more risks she took. There was no rescue she wouldn’t try, providing it wasn’t a suicide mission. Even then, Willow had defied orders, usually with Grogan by her side, to achieve her goal.

Willow had come across things that equaled the demons on Earth.

Yet she couldn’t face this and she had been trained to fight things like this. Cordy, Giles… they hadn’t. God, look at where Giles was now! He had almost died fighting the cause, protecting this world, Buffy, Xander, Oz DID die protecting this world.

Why couldn’t Willow let go of her fear and help? She had more to lose now than she ever had. She had new family, the SGC, Kawalsky, Hayes, Grogan… and Daniel.

It had taken her so long to find her place in the world and, now that she had, she was too frightened to fight for it.

But if it were the Goa’uld who were invading Earth, would she sit back and be scared?

Hell no! She’d be one of the first out there, fighting.

See! Hypocrite! Why? Because knowing that still wasn’t enough to get her fighting. The thought of her using her magic… it terrified her. She didn’t want to open that door again, she didn’t want to embrace her power because she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to shut it off.

She wanted rid of it.

If she got the opportunity, Willow would get rid of it; regardless of the consequences to her career. She used her magic to find people but she would give that up if it meant being free from that forever. If she didn’t have her power, then she wouldn’t be in this position.

But she was in this position.

Oh god, oh god, oh god! She couldn’t do this! She wished she could but she couldn’t. Willow would only get them killed. If she didn’t kill them with her magic, then she would kill them all when she choked… and she would choke. There was no doubt about it.

Then she would be responsible, once again, for the death of her friends.

Only this time, she’d be responsible for the rest of the world dying as well.

No, she would be responsible for the world ending if she DID and didn’t help. Sweet Jesus! She was damned if she did and damned if she didn’t. She was so torn, it was hurting so much, and she didn’t know what to do.

Or if she could even do it if she wanted to.

Willow looked away from the mirror as the tears began to fall again. That’s all she had done since coming up here. Cry. How the hell could she handle this? She couldn’t even stand the sight of Giles, she was a mess, a basket case.

Her entire world felt like it was falling apart for a second time and there was nothing she could do but let it. This was worse than what happened after she found out about the Goa’uld. At least then she had a choice.

She could have turned her back on it anytime.

Here she couldn’t… or if she did, then her worst nightmare would become real. She either fought here or fought when ‘hell on Earth’ reached Colorado. By then, it would be too late. Daniel would die. She would lose someone she… cared for. But then if she did fight here, they would die as well. Everyone would die but Cordy, Angel, and Faith couldn’t seem to understand that. They still thought of her as a witch.

Her fear and lack of skill, where her magic was concerned, was going to get everyone killed.

God damn it!

She couldn’t do this and she couldn’t NOT do this.

A sob accompanied the tears that were falling freely now. She wanted to scream, to beat something, god, she wanted to kill something! It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right… god, Willow wanted to grab the bag and get the fuck out of here.

But she couldn’t.

FUCK!

Panic filled her again, just like it had only ten minutes ago downstairs. She was trapped here, torn. She wanted to go but she needed to stay. She needed to fight but she wanted to run.

It felt like she was being ripped apart.

Willow couldn’t bare to look at herself anymore. She hated seeing what she was becoming, hating seeing the guilt and shame in her eyes. She spun around and headed into the bedroom, straight for her bed. Once there, she reached across to the phone on the bedside table and dialed his number.

She shouldn’t call him, not when she was losing it again but… he was the only person she trusted enough to see, or hear, her like this. He had seen her at her worst and he had helped her. Being weak with Daniel wasn’t like being weak with anyone else. He soothed her soul, healed it.

"Hello?"

Hearing his voice, Cordy’s words, seeing Giles, her impossible choice… suddenly, it became too much.

She broke down.

"Willow?" Daniel fumbled for the light. "Willow, what’s wrong? Are you all right? Is it Giles?"

The only response was the sound of heartbroken sobs, a sound Daniel hadn’t heard in a year but one he recognised all to well. He didn’t forget anything about the night, not a thing. He still hadn’t forgiven himself for leaving her alone in the shower like that.

And he never forgot the sound of her cries.

Please don’t let anything have happened to Giles. It was just past midnight, shit, something had happened. Oh god, did Giles die? Please, god, not that. Anything but that.

Willow had already lost too much.

"It’s ok, Willow. Whatever happened, I’m here, you’re not alone," he tried to keep the panic from his voice as well as his feeling of uselessness. He should be there with her, not here in his apartment. Damn it! His instincts had screamed at him to follow her when she left the briefing room. It was part of the reason why he called out to her.

If Willow had said the word, Daniel would have followed her.

God, he wished he had. Willow was thousands of miles away, so far beyond his reach, and he couldn’t help her.

"Oh god…" the words were barely audible.

Daniel closed his eyes to stave off the tears that were building. "It’s ok," he repeated the two words to her over and over again. If anything had happened to Giles Daniel doubted she would be all right. "Willow, can you tell me what happened? Is it Giles… did something happen?"

He reached out to the nightstand, put on his glasses, and wrenched open the top draw. He rummaged through it until he found his cell and phone book. He was going to call the airline, get a flight to LA first thing in the morning. He didn’t give a damn if Jack found out about him and Willow.

He didn’t care about anything right now, except Willow, who wouldn’t talk to him. All he could hear were her cries and it was killing him. Where were her friends? Why the hell weren’t they there with her? If anything happened to Giles and they left her alone he was going to –

"N…no… he’s alive."

He was alive? Oh thank god! "Are you all right?" he asked her. For god’s sake! Of course she wasn’t all right, why the hell was he asking a stupid question like that?

Because he was here and she was in LA.

God damn it! Where the hell was the number for the airline!

"I’m fin… no, I’m… I’m not all right," she replied, between gasps for breath.

"Willow, what happened?" he asked, silently willing himself to calm down. "Kawalsky said you were all right after talking to Janet. Were there some complications with Giles? Is he getting worse?"

"No," Willow’s voice was filled with pain. "He’s… there’s no change. I… oh god, Daniel. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared, I can’t deal with this. I can’t…"

It was too much for her. Seeing Giles like that would no doubt remind her of what happened in Sunnydale and bring back the memories of the hell she had gone through. Daniel knew what that was like, he still couldn’t go to Abydos without his heart aching. "Shh, shh. It’s ok, you don’t have to deal with anything just yet."

"I wish you were right. I really don’t think I can do this, Daniel. Seeing Giles like that and now…" her voice trailed off. "I’m not strong enough to handle this, god, I don’t know how they thought I could be."

"Willow, it’s all right to be upset," the comment reminded him of his first encounter with Willow. This was what he hated most about the military. They taught their people to shut off there emotions so much that any release was seen as a sign of weakness. To people like Willow getting upset was wrong.

When it actually took more strength to let go of your control and let the emotions slip through.

"Upset? Daniel, I’m a mess," she told him. "I can’t stop shaking, I can’t stop crying, I’m losing it. I can’t stop the fear… god, Daniel, I’m so scared."

He frowned.

Hayes had made that very comment right after his short conversation with Willow back at the base. She had been scared both before she left for LA and when she called. Hayes seemed bothered by that. Daniel had assured him that Willow’s fear was because of Giles but Hayes didn’t seemed convinced.

It still bothered him.

So much so that when Daniel left the base, not long after the call, Hayes had been waiting for him at his car. At first Daniel thought he was going to give him another lecture about his feelings for Willow. Daniel was expecting the entire team to talk to him about his intentions towards their fourth, so Hayes waiting for him hadn’t been that much of a surprise.

But Hayes didn’t talk about his relationship with Willow, instead he asked if Daniel had spoken to Willow. He asked it in a way like he knew something but when Daniel pressed him about it, the Captain made excuses and left, leaving Daniel feeling uneasy.

Now it was Daniel who was bothered by Willow’s words. God, he wished he could see her. Daniel knew that if he were there to see her, he could tell if she were scared.

REALLY scared.

Daniel had to admit, she did sound scared. There was a tremble to her voice he recognised, a tone that he had heard when she had been in the throws of nightmares, both back from that first night together and some nights since then. Willow sometimes slept here when they stayed up too late watching a movie, or simply talking. His guest room had turned into ‘Willow’ room.

He knew how she sounded when she was scared.

"What are you scared about, Willow? Giles?"

Silence, then, "About Giles, LA… about everything."

His frown deepened. "Will, talk to me. Tell me why you’re afraid and let me help you."

And if she didn’t… he was going to help her anyway.

"Will, talk to me. Tell me why you’re afraid and let me help you."

The lie was poised on her lips, ready. All she had to do was say the words ‘I’m scared Giles will die’ or ‘I’m scared of losing someone I care for’. Either one of those two responses would satisfy Daniel. They were lies she had used in the past and no doubt she would use again.

So why were the words not coming out?

Why did lying seem like such a bad thing?

Because maybe, for the first time since graduation, Willow believed someone could help her. Daniel had already proven that he could be trusted. When it came to Willow, Daniel had no trouble whatsoever breaking the rules.

No one knew about her breakdown at his apartment or about her ‘telekinesis’.

THAT was why she didn’t want to lie.

But she couldn’t exactly tell him the truth. Not with such little time. Daniel would ask questions, he might even come to LA and she couldn’t have that. No. If Daniel came to LA then the chances of him being killed were astronomical.

God! Why was everything so hard? Why did everything have to tear her up inside? Was it too much to just, for once, do something that didn’t have so many fucking repercussions.

"Willow?"

"Everything here scares me," she said finally. It was a compromise, not really the entire truth but not really a lie either. She didn’t want to lie to Daniel, at least not any more than she had to. He was her… he was her Daniel. He deserved more than that. "It… it’s too much of a reminder, what happened to Giles. It’s like I’m back…"

"Back?" Daniel prompted.

Well, at least it was something to know that even if she wanted to tell Daniel everything she wouldn’t be able to. Her mouth really wasn’t cooperating. She couldn’t even say the name of her home town. "Back there, Daniel. I don’t know who I am anymore. I thought I was… god, listen to me! I can’t even talk. I don’t understand it! I can command a team but I can’t even talk about what happened, I can’t even think about it. I’m a fraud, Daniel. Everything about me is a lie. I’m not fit to hold a command. I’m weak and a coward. I’m… I’m…"

"You’re what?" he sounded outraged. "You’re weak and a coward? My god, I… how can you say that? You’re one of the strongest people I have EVER met."

Willow closed her eyes. "You think I’m one of the strongest people you’ve met but I’m not, Daniel. I’m a coward and a fraud."

"Really?" the outrage left his voice, now he sounded… pissed? "Ferretti will see his children grow up because you’re a coward? Hayes is alive and well because you’re weak? Willow, do you know how many people you’ve saved since you started with us? Ferretti is keeping a running tab. Seventy-five people; eighteen teams. If you were a coward, Willow, you would never have been able to do that. You wouldn’t have even gone through the… you know what.."

He didn’t understand! "I know I’ve saved people but that’s not what I’m talking about. Everything I’ve done has been because of that day. I joined the Air Force because of graduation. I ran away from my friends, shut them out of my life. I pretend I’m this big important person but I’m not. I’m terrified of the world outside the base. I can’t live in a world that ISN’T the Air Force. I like to pretend I’m strong but I’m not. Look at me, Daniel. I’m losing it. I’m Special Forces trained and I’m fucking losing it all because of some memories."

Albeit, memories that were coming true but this wasn’t anything she hadn’t handled before! She wasn’t just a coward and a fraud… she had to add hypocrite to that list as well.

"Will, listen to me, ok? Don’t interrupt, I need you to listen to everything I say."

Why? It wasn’t going to change anything? She was weak, pathetic and –

"Willow?"

"Ok."

"Having weaknesses doesn’t make you weak. We all have them. It’s what makes us human. You were eighteen years old when your parents died, Willow. You were there. Having problems with that is ok. God, if you didn’t have problems I would be extremely worried. It’s ok to be scared. Think about what you went through, of course you are scared. The world is a terrifying place, you more than anyone know that," Daniel told her. "We all get scared, Willow. I am terrified that every time you walk through the gate you will die or come back a Goa’uld. Kawalsky used to have nightmares about the time the juvenile Goa’uld blended with him on Chulak. For weeks after we took it out he used to wake up thinking it was still inside him. I know Sam still has nightmares about Jolinar’s memories, god, even Jack has fears. We all do, Willow."

He… he was scared she was going to become a Goa’uld? Oh god, he never said anything!

Daniel went on before she could respond. "You’re wrong, Willow. So wrong about everything. I can see how you would think this way but… actually, no, I can’t see how you would think this way. I think you're giving too much credit to what happened in Sunnydale. It may have been a catalyst in some respects, but it didn’t make you who you are."

"Yes, Daniel, it did."

"No, Willow, it didn’t," Daniel argued. "How is that possible? Ok, say for one minute I believe what you’re telling me. Sunnydale is the reason for you joining the Air Force. If you joined as an enlisted person, I could accept that. But you didn’t, you joined through the Academy. How did you get in Willow? Sam explained the application process to me once when we first began training recruits. It’s not like getting into a normal college, is it? Sam said the application process can last a year. When did you first submit your application, Willow? Your junior or senior year?"

The question caught her so off guard, she floundered for a minute. Funny, but she never thought about this. She always thought about her reason to go never the reason that got her started. "Junior year," she replied. "I filled out the application and pre-candidate questionnaire after career week. I… I never told any of the others."

"You didn’t, why?"

"I thought they would laugh at me. I… I don’t know what made me apply. I wasn’t really serious. A computer software company tried to recruit me and I was still kind of stunned from that when I came across the Air Force. The lady had been nice and…"

And Willow had been awestruck. The Air Force representative had Willow’s attention from the second she opened her mouth. To Willow, she reminded her of Buffy. She had spoken about protecting people and duty… how could she NOT compare it to Buffy? The woman had talked Willow into applying, she made Willow believe she had what it took.

Willow wanted to have what it took, she wanted to be like Buffy. This was before she started with the magics and before Willow wanted to stay and help Buffy forever.

"But you were serious, though, weren’t you? You had to go for a medical, aptitude tests – "

"We had to get a congressman to nominate us for the Academy as well," she added without thinking. Willow did it all without her friends knowing about it. Not even Giles was aware. No one knew.

"Willow, if you weren’t serious, you could have given up any time during the entire application process, but you didn’t, you went through it all and you got in," Daniel stated triumphantly.

"But I wasn’t going to go," she protested. "I told Buffy not long before she died that I was going to stay in Sunnydale and help her… with stuff. I told her I was staying." But Willow had never actually told the Academy. When Willow told Buffy that, she had already received early admittance and Willow had already sent back her acceptance for the Air Force. She just hadn’t had the opportunity, or the guts, to tell her friends. Then she was kidnapped by the mayors minions and they had risked so much to save her… Willow didn’t want to leave after that.

Her application had been inspired by Buffy and even when she decided to stay in Sunnydale, she still hadn’t sent a letter to the Academy informing them of her change of heart. Why didn’t she send a letter? Willow had every intention of going to UC Sunnydale.

"You wanted to join before graduation, Willow, that means something," Daniel told her gently. "That isn’t all, though, Willow. Even if Sunnydale was the final reason for you attending the Academy. It doesn’t explain the gift you have for it. You say you don’t know who you are, but I think you do. You’re just scared and confused. You’re military, Willow, right through to your soul. I’ve been around the military long enough to recognise someone who truly belongs. You do. No matter how much you hated the outside world Willow, if you didn’t belong in the Air Force, you wouldn’t have made it as far as you have in such a short time."

No! He was wrong! "Daniel, I did so well because I was scared I would fail. Believe me when I say fear is a great motivator."

"You could have done half as well and still managed to stay in the force. Willow, you didn’t just succeed, you excelled. There is a difference. Are you saying that you only fly because it’s mandatory? You hate flying right? Because if you are only in the Force cause you have to be, then you would hate everything about it. So, you really hate flying?"

He knew she didn’t.

She loved it.

"And we weren’t talking about you doing your Phd in astrophysics three weeks ago, were we? You didn’t even need to get your Masters when you were training for the program, but you got it anyway. Why? Willow, you were already in and were staying in. Why get your Masters?" Daniel asked her. "Willow, you’re known as O’Neill Junior at the base. Why do you think that is? Because you’re a gifted officer. Yes, out here you have some issues but that doesn’t change who you are. The Air Force is who you are. You’re a protector. You do what you do knowing you could die at any time. You protect us and every innocent person on this planet and you do it without recognition. You’re called O’Neill Junior because you’re just like him. Jack is the most honorable man I have ever met. He went through hell but he survived and came out fighting, like you did. The Air Force is in your blood, protecting people is in your blood. You survived Sunnydale and now you’re fighting."

Willow didn’t even try to speak, the lump in her throat was too big. His words were affecting her just like he knew they would.

Tears fell.

Was he right? Was the reason she succeeded more about her than about Sunnydale?

Daniel took a deep breath. "You said to me once that when you’re on a mission, you don’t give up until you stop breathing. I’ve seen you dragged through the gate barely conscious because you pushed yourself too hard. Just because you’re scared now, it doesn’t change that. In the end, Willow, no matter how scared you are, you’ll fight to protect the people of this planet and the people you love."

"Do… do you really believe that?"

"Not believe, Willow, I KNOW that. It’s part of the reason why I l… care for you so much," Daniel told her in a soft voice. "You’re scared and you’re outside the base. You’re still you. Just because you’re out of uniform, doesn’t mean you stop being Air Force. Nothing in this world will ever stop you from being that, not even when you retire. It’s not just what you are, it’s who you are. Officers like you do have trouble in the outside world, that’s understandable but it doesn’t make you a fraud, Willow."

It doesn’t?

"Sunnydale is part of the reason for this, but not all of it. It couldn’t be. I became an archaeologist, just like my parents. I wanted to follow in their footsteps, archaeology is in my blood. Their death influenced me, but it didn’t mean that I would succeed. The success was because I worked hard and sacrificed."

She didn’t know what she was expecting when she called Daniel, but this wasn’t it. She never had any idea Daniel held her in such regard, that he thought she was… was she the person he said? A protector? O’Neill would have no qualm getting involved in this, but she did. Though, she had reason to fear this.

It was what she let the fear do to her that made her different.

Could she turn her back on the planet, on Daniel, and let them die? No. She couldn’t. A rush of adrenaline flowed through her. It was a feeling similar to how she felt before a rescue. The slight fear of failure but the belief that there was a chance.

Her training, and the men who stood with her, always gave her the belief they could do anything.

Willow didn’t have SR-1 but she had the preternatural equivalent.

Oh god, her head hurt! It was so much to process! Was she… oh god, she was actually thinking of fighting? Magic was still out of the question, SO out of the question, but she had more to offer than magic.

Magic wasn’t who she was.

"If it helps, Jack thinks you were born saluting."

WHAT?

A bubble of laughter escaped her. "Thank you."

She could hear his smile. "You’re welcome," there was silence for a little while. Both of them were lost in though, then Daniel spoke. "Willow, do you want me to come to LA? I know Jack will ask questions but I’m sure I can – "

"NO!" Shit! Damn it! She should have known he would want to come to LA. "You can’t come to LA Daniel, you, um, just can’t."

Wonderful, Rosenberg, this was Daniel she was talking to. The man who knew her better than anyone, shit. Way to sound like you were hiding something!

"Willow, it’s not a problem. I have a lot of leave up, I can get the time off," his voice had a inflection she didn’t want to hear.

Her heart was pounding furiously. "I know it’s not a problem. It’s just…" she trailed off. Fantastic timing, now she was lost for words. She couldn’t think of a reason why Daniel shouldn’t be here, well, a realistic one at least. "Things are really crazy around here and it’s a really bad time."

Oh yes, very convincing.

"Willow, is there something going on?" Daniel asked after a moment.

"No, Daniel, nothing is going on, really. I just… It would be better if no one came to LA," she let out a sigh.

He thought something was going on… which meant by this time tomorrow he was going to be in LA. Any excuse she gave him now would fall flat. She had lost it and now she was telling him NOT to come to LA in a way that put her entire training to shame.

Even she didn’t believe her when she said nothing was going on.

"What’s going on, Willow?" he asked in a worried voice. "You said you’re scared of everything, that it reminded you of Sunnydale. Willow…"

Oh shit. Daniel sounded frightened.

"Willow, does what happened to Giles have anything to do with Sunnydale?"

Holy. Shit.

"Willow? Answer me! Are you in trouble?"

Replace frightened with terrified. Daniel sounded terrified. He was far too intelligent for his own good. Damn it, she should have realised he’d piece it together. This was Daniel. Oh god, what was she going to do?

"Daniel, you can’t come here."

"Why?" he demanded. "Willow, you sounded so scared before. Too scared for it to be about Giles. What’s going on and don’t lie to me, Willow. I’d like to think we were past that."

Willow closed her eyes. "We are," she assured him. "Daniel, I need you to trust me."

"Trust you, about what?"

"I need you to trust me when I say not to come to LA," she went on before he could argue. "You’re right, there is something going on but I can’t explain it to you, not like this. I promise, I will once it is all over but until then can you trust me enough to stay home?"

No answer.

Damn! "Daniel, please. It’s not directly related to Sunnydale… it just reminds me of it. I need you to stay in LA and keep anyone else from coming here. When I get home, I’ll tell you everything, I promise."

Was she seriously going to tell him everything?

"I don’t know if I can do that, Willow. If you’re in danger –"

"I’m not," Willow lied, hating herself as she did it. "Angel, Cordy, and Faith are here with me. I’m not in danger but there is some stuff we need to handle. Daniel, please, promise me you won’t come to LA."

"You want me to stop Jack from sending someone to check up on you as well?" he asked. "Willow, what are you hiding?"

God damn it! "I can’t go into it now. I swear, you’ll know everything as soon as I get home. Just… do this for me, please. I promise I’ll call you every day and if I don’t, then you can come here."

"Willow, I don’t think…ok, I won’t do anything for now."

His words were completely unconvincing. Willow was surprised Daniel even bothered to lie. Daniel knew her but she knew him as well. It was a lost cause. She could probably delay him a week if she kept in constant contact with him. But when it all came down to it…

Daniel was going to come here.

Maybe not tomorrow but during the next two weeks. That didn’t give her much time.

Willow sat up on the bed.

She had to see Angel.

"Angel, can we talk for a minute?"

Vampires weren’t supposed to feel nervous yet seeing Willow, standing in the doorway of his office, made him feel incredibly nervous. He knew what this was about.

Willow was here to tell him she was going home.

"Sure, come in," he waved her in and motioned for her to sit in the chair opposite him. She looked bad; her eyes were red from crying and there was an air of exhaustion around her. It had been almost two hours since she left to go to her room, how much of that time did Willow spend crying? "Did you want something to drink? Water? Coffee? Tea?"

"I’m, um, right thanks," Willow gave him a small smile. "It’s late and if I have coffee it’ll keep me awake. Besides, I’ve tasted Cordy’s coffee."

Any other time, the comment would have made him laugh but right now he couldn’t find amusement in anything. Not when Willow looked like hell and he felt like it.

"Cordy and Faith? Are they here?"

"Patrolling," he replied.

Angel pushed the text he had been reading aside and rested both arms on the desk. This was it. She was going to leave and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. Would they lose Willow over this forever? Angel already wondered if the relationship between Willow and Cordy was damaged by the brunette’s outburst. Cordy was still angry at Willow, though the anger was partly directed at all of them. Willow was the way she was because they let her leave… they should have stopped her that first time.

Cordy was right, they should have forced her to talk about it a long time ago.

If Willow left now, and they survived the apocalypse, Angel didn’t know if any of them would get over it.

If she turned her back on them then this really wasn’t their Willow. The thought killed him. God, he prayed to every god listening that she would stay and fight. Losing her was too painful to think about.

"Is that book about the rituals?" Willow nodded towards the text he pushed away. She was eyeing it almost fearfully.

And she was shaking.

She was scared, that much was obvious. Was Willow scared he would get upset at her like Cordy did? He felt a flash of anger at the thought. Did she think they hated her? Damn it! Why couldn’t Cordy have waited before pushing Willow like she did? Why didn’t he keep his damn mouth shut? He shouldn’t have said a thing about the ritual.

At least not until she had sobered up or until she had calmed down about Giles.

Speaking of sober, she seemed all right for someone who sculled that many scotches. Actually, she seemed completely sober. He didn’t think humans could recover from alcohol that quickly… not unless they were experienced drinkers. "Yeah. It’s one of the few books we could find on the particular demon cult we’re dealing with."

"Demon cult?" she repeated, her hands clenched together almost painfully as though she were forcing herself to sit there and talk to him. "A cult of demons or a cult of humans who worship demons?"

"A, um, cult of demons," he replied, slightly confused.

Why was she asking about the demons and the ritual? It didn’t make sense. This was where she was supposed be telling him that she loved them but she was sorry, she couldn’t help them. Why wasn’t he hearing the words? She wasn’t even building up to them. There was no rambling, she was simply sitting there looking… determined?

Something wasn’t right here. "Willow, you said you wanted to talk?"

She bit her lip and nodded. "I, um… yes, I did," she sat upright in the chair and looked him right in the eye. He could see the fear, the scent of it was all around her, but it seemed out of place with the way Willow was looking at him. In fact, for a fleeting second, she looked so different Angel didn’t recognise her. "I’m in."

Wh… what did she just say? She spoke quietly, almost a whisper, but Angel was sure that Willow said… she said that she was in. In what? She… oh god, was she talking about helping? "You’re in?"

Angel watched at the emotions flowed over Willow’s face, so many of them, all of them conflicting.

"I’ve thought about everything and I’m in, I’m staying."

He was floored.

Angel’s mouth dropped open, his face, he knew, betrayed his shock. Shock? That didn’t begin to convey what he was feeling right now. He had been so sure she was going to go home. God, he would have bet his undead life on it.

"Are you sure?" he couldn’t help but ask. It felt surreal. Willow was actually agreeing to fight the forces of darkness.

Seven years after she turned her back on it.

He… he couldn’t believe it.

He wanted to scream for joy.

"Honestly, no, I’m not sure," she confessed. "But I am who I am so I’m going to help."

What did that mean? "Willow… I… I don’t know what to say. I’m so relieved you’re – "

"I don’t think you should say anything just yet, in fact, you’ll probably won’t want my help after I say this," she looked away from him. "I’m going to help but there is a clause."

Did he ever mention how much he hated clauses?

She took a long deep breath. "You know, I didn’t think this would be so hard, saying this to you, but it is. Talking to you like this… it’s difficult Guess I’m a little out of practice with the talking thing, huh?"

He ignored the stab of pain he felt at her words.

Willow closed her eyes and took another breath. When she opened her eyes, there was a look in them Angel had never seen before. "I’m going to give you everything I have to help you," she told him in a voice he didn’t recognise either. "You have my skills, knowledge, and training as an officer of the United States Air Force but that is it."

He was back to confused again. "What does that mean?"

"I’ll help you in every way except magic, Angel, that’s what it means," she told him.

Except magic? Ok, this wasn’t good. They needed a seriously powerful witch to stop the ritual. Someone with enough power to do it almost single handedly. There weren’t that many witches out there that powerful. The ones that were, well, a lot of them had been seduced by black magics.

"Angel, you guys are right, I haven’t moved on from Sun… from there and I don’t think you guys have either."

They hadn’t? What was she talking about? "I don’t understand."

She gave him a sad smile. "You still think I’m the Willow you knew back in high school. You guys are looking at me to fill the role that I did back then; Willow the witch. I’m not that person anymore, Angel. I know I sound like a broken record but none of you seem to hear me when I tell you that I’m REALLY not a witch. I’m a pilot, a astrophysicist, a soldier… I’m not the Willow Rosenberg you once knew. I’m different now."

No, he didn’t believe that. Yes, he believed she had changed but he didn’t think she was that removed from who she once was. Fear was simply blocking the way.

"I have power inside me but it’s just that, power. I find it hard to believe that after living here for so long that I’m the only person you think who can do this."

"You’re the only person with the level of power to do this," Angel told her. "I don’t think you realise how much your power has grown over the years Willow. I can feel it when you’re in the room, it’s like a beacon. There aren’t many witches with your level of power."

Willow let out a sigh of frustration. "Witches with my level of power? There is no witch here and no level! Angel, listen to me, please. I have power but nothing else. Pure, uncontrollable power. If you want power, take it from me and give it to a real witch, someone who knows what they are doing. If you want me to use it then you’re insane. I have no control over this power inside of me, Angel. I know it’s there, I live with it every day, but I can control it no better than say Faith or Cordy."

"You don’t know that, Willow. You haven’t used your powers in seven years. You don’t know whether or not you can control it or not," Angel argued. "You might find that you can control it. I know you don’t want to use your magic, Willow and I hate asking you to do this but if there is a chance you can – "

Why was she shaking her head?

"I’ve used my magic, Angel," she told him. "I can’t control it."

What? She did what? Cold fear filled Angel. Willow had used her magic? When? Why? Oh god, did the Air Force know about it? "Why, Willow?" he asked, keeping his tone neutral. She wouldn’t use her magic, not unless it was a life and death situation.

Even then, Angel wondered if she would use it.

"It’s not important why, Angel. All that matters is that I did."

All that matters? Like hell it did! "Willow, were you attacked by some demon?" Or a Jaffa, he silently added. Shit! This was what started the dreams, it had to be. Willow using her magic meant she must have been scared out of her mind.

Like she had been when she woke up screaming at that Jaffa thing, whatever it was.

"Angel, it really doesn’t – "

"Yes, it does," he told her in a deadly tone. "Willow, are you in some sort of trouble?"

"Not again," she muttered to herself so quietly that he almost didn’t hear it. "No, Angel, I’m not in trouble. I swear, I’m in no danger whatsoever… impending apocalypse not included. I found myself in a situation that I couldn’t get out of so I used my magic, Angel, and it almost got me killed."

THAT stopped him in his tracks.

He was all ready to press her about whatever had gotten her into that trouble in the first place when she dropped that bombshell on him. Her magic had almost gotten her killed?

She sighed. "I don’t know what they were, Angel, and I really wasn’t in the position to ask them questions. All I knew was that they were powerful and they wanted me dead."

"What happened?"

"I used my magic to protect myself, Angel, but it was too powerful. I couldn’t control it. I deflected an energy attack and instead of my shields absorbing it, I deflected into some nearby trees. If it had been a person standing there, Angel, they would have been killed."

Sweet Jesus.

"I also tried to summon a dagger into my hand telekinetically."

"What happened?"

"It landed in the bad guy’s chest. Which is a good thing, except when you think about the fact that I wanted to dagger to come to me. If I use magic like you want me to, I’ll get you all killed. Not just because of my fear but because I have no magical skill. What I did seven years ago was just the beginning of what a witch can do. I never even studied it formally back then, just spells here and there, whenever it was needed. There was never any discipline behind my magic and there still isn’t. I know you need a witch but I’m not your girl. I can’t and won’t use my magic. That isn’t where my skills lie."

Angel could see where she was coming from, why she was so afraid of her power.

He had no idea she had tried to use her magic. But why wouldn’t she tell him what happened? If it were a demon attack, surely it wasn’t something Willow needed to keep secret. The only thing she religiously wouldn’t talk about was her job.

Anything to do with that… was classified.

Was that why Willow wasn’t telling him why she used her magic?

If Willow used her magic while on duty… then she could be in danger.

"As it is, I’m offering you more than I should," she told him. "My training is classified, Angel, by revealing certain things I can get into trouble but since I can’t give you magic, this is the next… no, this is better than giving you magic. I can help plan an attack or find whatever you need. All that I ask is that you don’t ask me any questions about my training or what I do with at the mountain."

Wait just one damn minute. She was offering her knowledge but they weren’t allowed to ask questions? What the hell was she involved in?

"Willow," he made sure they had eye contact. "I don’t want you putting yourself in any danger with the Air Force by helping us."

"I won’t be in any trouble with them, providing we get to this done before Dan…O’Neill sends someone to check up on me."

Angel frowned at her slip.

She almost said Daniel’s name.

Angel REALLY wanted to know who this guy was.

"This isn’t a choice, Angel. It’s either me or nothing. No magic, no spells, just my military training. That’s all I can give you. Take it or leave it."

What choice did they have? If he said they needed more, she’d go back to Colorado and to the Air Force something which Angel did NOT want to happen, now more than ever. He had been right. She was in trouble with them or at least because of them.

Damn it, she knew better than to use her magic around people like the military! God, what they would do to her if they discovered the extent of her power. Hell, anyone human, demon, or otherwise would be striking gold if they had access to Willow’s power.

No, he wasn’t going to let her go. "That’s more than we deserve," he told her. "We need all the help we can get." He didn’t miss the slight look of fear on her face. Was she hoping he wouldn’t accept?

"Really? So the no magic thing isn’t going to be a problem? Because once this thing starts, I can’t have you guys turning to me at the last minute. I’m telling you how it is, I’m not using magic. I can’t. This isn’t just my fear talking, my power is dangerous. I need your word that you won’t ask me to use it."

And if they got to the final ritual and they had nothing else, would they be able to not ask Willow? No. They would ask her. How could they not? They didn’t want to but this wasn’t just a demon they were having trouble dealing with.

This was an apocalypse.

It really was all or nothing.

Willow was asking him to go let the world end if they couldn’t find a way to stop the rituals without magic. He… he couldn’t. He was seeking redemption for what he had done as Angelus, letting the world end was far worse than anything Angelus could have done. No. As much as he wanted to do what Willow asked, his soul wouldn’t let him. He loved Willow, with all his heart, but to do what she was asking…

He would be well and truly damned… as would be the rest of the world.

"Willow, you have my word that we won’t ask you to use magic." Angel felt like a little part of his soul was ripped away at the lie.

Willow let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Angel. Your word means everything to me. I will give you everything I have, you have MY word."

And that just added holy water to the wounds.

She stood up. "Tomorrow morning I’ll start getting up to speed on everything. If you can leave me some notes about the ritual, any information you have, I can read it before you guys get up."

"I’ll leave it out on my desk."

She started to walk towards the door but stopped before she reached it. "You’ll tell Faith and Cordy what I decided?"

He nodded.

"I’m sorry I can’t give you more."

He was sorry too.

About a lot of things.

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